Doubting Donald

Reputed billionaire TV personality, Donald Trump, has ignited his own presidential ambitions by throwing fuel onto the ridiculous birther controversy, spouting off on every media outlet that can find him about his “team of investigators” and their secret findings.  I wish him luck, although I think this casino mogul has rolled snake eyes this time.  Sometimes when there’s smoke, there’s a guy creating some smoke.

You might be surprised to learn that this is not the first time that The Donald has stirred up birther controversy in his career.  Trump in fact has a long and sordid history of questioning the legitimacy of birth credentials.

January 20, 1996 – Donald Trump refuses to attend George Burns’ 100^th birthday celebration until he produces his birth certificate from 1896. 

In an interview with the now-defunct George magazine, Trump said, “This guy’s been smoking and drinking for decades, and he’s still alive?  I find that curious, don’t you?  Now he is parlaying his ‘alleged’ advanced age into a cash cow, lining his own pockets.  No one would laugh at his jokes if he were 95, and he knows it.  Let’s see if he’s a charlatan or a comedian.  Show me the records, unless you’re a liar.”

September 4, 1988 – Donald Trump refuses to accept that the turtles of the Galapagos Islands can be up to 170 years old without some proof. 

In an interview with the Hair Cuttery in-salon magazine, Coif, Trump was quoted, “A bunch of liberal scientists come out with this self-serving pronouncement about old turtles, and the public eats it up without proof.  It’s a tourist scam, I tell you.  I say they should cut one of those giant turtles in half to count the rings.  Once my independent team of investigators has counted the rings inside, we will finally know the truth.  In fact, let’s get Geraldo and televise it.”

July 4, 1976 – Donald Trump questions how George Washington could be the Father of Our Country without a proper DNA test. 

During an interview for the 1976 Miss Universe event program, SpouseMatch, Trump said, “First of all, he wasn’t even in Philadelphia in 1776.  I have yet to see a shred of evidence that he ever had relations a territory, providence or colony.  Besides, it is scientifically impossible to conceive a new country during a colonial period.  The cycle has to be right.”

April 4, 33 A.D.  – The origins of his doubting ways:

John 20:24-31 (New International Version, ©2011), Jesus Appears to Trump

 ²⁴ Now Trump (also known as The Donald^[a]), one of the Twelve, was not with the disciples when Jesus came. ²⁵ So the other disciples told him, “We have seen the Lord!” 

   But he said to them, “Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe.”

 ²⁶ A week later his disciples were in the house again, and Trump was with them. Though the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said, “Peace be with you!” ²⁷ Then he said to Trump, “Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe.”

 ²⁸ Trump said to him, “Pretty impressive, Jesus, but I will still need to witness your actual re-birth certificate.”

Editor’s Note:  Be sure to tune into The Celebrity Apprentice this Sunday evening, and help prove that Trump is a genius – there is no such thing as bad publicity when profit is your motive.