Pants on Fire

“It’s not a lie, if you believe it to be true.”  - George Costanza

Kris Dunn wrote an article in Workforce, an obscure HR and Staffing industry trade rag, titled “The Top 5 Lies in HR”.  The title did its job, and encouraged me to take the next step and read the text.  Being in HR for the past 20 years, I believe I am qualified to comment on her work.  In summary, I found her “lies” to be uninteresting and pedestrian, and not a part of my Top 5, but you can judge for yourself:

1.       We’re responsible for the work/life balance of team members.

That might be a lie, if we folks in HR ever thought that.  It might be more true today that we worry more about employee’s work/life blend.  We stress more about cell phone use after hours and laptop use over vacations, and whether that time is compensable.  The real worry is that we’re responsible for the liability after hours, not the quality of your private life.  Just be productive when you are here please.

2.       It’s the company’s desire to provide strong benefits to all team members.

The company’s desire is to provide benefits that are more attractive than the competition’s benefits so you accept our job offer and stay until your productivity wanes, or the boss decides you are too negative.  The company wants the most employee benefits for the least money causing the least disruption to productivity.  Is that really so shocking?

3.       We’re into pay for performance.

We’re into saying that because we heard someone else mention it at a meeting or in a magazine article.  We think we’re “strategic partners” and friends with the CFO if we talk about pay for performance.  We are just like you, though.  We are more comfortable protecting the status quo, which means pay for seniority.  It’s one thing to tie compensation to company performance.  It’s a another thing to show that the pay caused the performance.  See “Drive”.

4.       We want only “A” players.

We want B and C players that never complain and never leave.  If they never complain, our jobs are easy.  If they never leave, we don’t have to recruit and interview more people, and we hate that (not to mention new hire orientation – yuck).  “A” players, generally speaking, are a pain in the a**.

5.       Everyone’s equal here.

That’s a lie, but I have never heard anyone in HR say that.  A line manager might say that in order to avoid an admission of favoritism.  We HR folks might say, "We treat everyone fairly." which is definitely a goal.  The reality is that a definition of "fairly" is in the eye of the beholder...or the plaintiff.

While I applaud Ms. Dunn’s attempt to present some ‘provocative’ lies to sell some magazines, here is my list of the Top 5 HR Lies, and I’ll supply them for free (no magazine subscription required):

1.       “We haven’t decided yet.”

We probably have, and if it were to your benefit, we’d tell you.  Assume I have told you that "we haven’t decided yet" to avoid any confrontation before I can prepare security to be nearby when I break the bad news.

2.       “We have an open door policy.”

We love being in HR because we can close our doors, and tell everyone, “Sorry, I need privacy so I can protect your confidentiality."  It is easier to talk about you behind your back if the door is closed.

3.       “All employment decisions are based on an individual’s knowledge, skills and abilities.”

There are about 100 other factors that weigh into employment decisions, and you’ve probably already guessed the other 97 of them.

4.       “We value the annual performance review process.”

We hate it more than you do.  If supervisors did their jobs and provided feedback and direction to their direct reports regularly, there would be no need for annual appraisals.  In the absence of competent supervision that gives meaningful feedback and direction, we substitute this format, designed to keep us out of court and to discourage employees from trying very hard for the other 11 months of the year.

5.       “We like people.”

That’s half-true.  We used to like people, but that was before we got into HR.  Now we have learned through seminars and books that people are “human capital”, which is code for “a tangible asset that we can depreciate over time.”  Again, the CFOs out there love that kind of talk, and apparently, we want to hang out with finance people more.  Can you blame us?  They control our budget.

Now, the title of this post could be construed as a lie, since there was no mention of 'pant's or 'fire' in this diatribe.  I prefer, however, to think of it as effective marketing, and that should never be confused with a lie…right?

Editor’s Note:  The thoughts and opinions expressed in this blog’s posts are mine alone and are not representative, unless clearly and unequivocally stated, of those of any past, present, or future client or employer. That is the truth.