Why the Dish Ran Away With the Spoon

Dear Family Members,

Let me first state for the record that I do not suffer from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.  Wanting clean, well organized dishes is not an illness to be treated.  I will admit that on occasion, I may exhibit symptoms of OCD, but one symptom does not a diagnosis make.  I just happen to have specific, inflexible ideas about how a dishwasher must be loaded.   I do not bend, because I love.

It is the height of naiveté to think that the designers of dishwashers did not conduct years of thoughtful analysis about the optimum load sequence to maximize interior space, reduce rattle and breakage, and insure the ultimate clean for fine Chinette.  The research surely exists, and I don’t think it is obsessive or narcissistic to believe that I, and I alone, have mastered the dish placement secrets for our model.  There must be a best way, and allow for a moment that way just might be MY way.

I have the most experience in cleaning dishes in our family.  I’ve loaded industrial sized dishwashers and the antiquated top-load models.  I’ve been paid to wash dishes.  I have past job performance reviews that can attest to my talents in this area (well, I could get the reviews…I don’t have them handy.  It was, after all, 30 years ago.  "Joe handles the sprayer with gusto, and his rinse technique is a thing of beauty.").  I have seen firsthand the unfortunate results of a poorly loaded Kenmore.  We’ve all been victimized by saucy plates stuck together, upside down plastic cups filled with filthy, soapy discharge water, and dried cheese pasted in between the tines of a favorite fork.  I even recall once a melted Tupperware lid wrapped around the lower heating coil.  That can’t be fixed.  That lid was lost forever that day.  These are all avoidable circumstances, but you’ll have to DO WHAT I SAY.

I am willing to reload a full dishwasher, if that’s what it takes.  I will accept your explanation that you are not loading the dishes incorrectly on purpose, just to make a point that misloaded dishes can get just as clean as perfectly loaded ones.  This can be a teachable moment, and not a moment of rage and discouragement, like the last time.  Focus, people, on the benefits of a successfully loaded dishwasher.  Don’t you want the peace of mind that comes with knowing exactly where to find the glass measuring cups or the medium sized plastic colanders?  Lord knows I do.  

For my sake, and the sake of the dishes we love, alternate the glass and plastic on the top rack.  Don’t stack the spoons together.  Commit today to putting the tall glassware in the deep row, and the short cups in the shallow row.  And never allow the thin blade of the paring knife to slip through the bottom silverware holder and scrap the door. Ever.

I ask so little.  Please grant me this wish, and learn how to load the dishwasher correctly, and stop fighting my proven methods.  If you do, I'll try to stop sighing loudly whenever I open the dishwasher door and see the disorder and inefficiency of your misplaced cups and bowls.  I think you'll be glad you did.

As my good friend, Lloyd Braun once taught me, "Serenity now, serenity now."

Dad

One more thing - when the dishwasher has run its cycle, the magnet on the front should read "Clean" facing up.  Once the dishwasher is emptied and ready to be refilled with dirty dishes, the magnet on the front should be rotated to read "Dirty".  It's not that hard.