The announcements of Newt’s Conservative Dream Team and Faith Leader’s Dream Team are real. The rest is purely educated speculation on my part. The world needs more super heroes.
Last week at the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) in Washington, DC, Speaker Newt Gingrich unveiled his bold battle plan for 2012. With conventional weapons off the table for the near term in the battle for the GOP nomination, Gingrich announced the formation of a Conservative Dream Team, a ragtag group of fearless and feckless conservatives who have sworn their allegiance to half-truths, street justice, and the American Exceptional Way. The conservative heroes that have pledged their fealty to his candidacy include Governor Rick Perry, Herman Cain, Senator Fred Thompson, Michael Reagan, J.C. Watts, Chuck Norris and others as he combats the evil radicalism of SuperPAC Man, the powerful henchman of his severe arch-villain rival, Mitt Romney.
Each Conservative Dream Team members brings their own unique super power to the table. Fred Thompson can put his enemies to sleep instantly with a few words; Rick Perry has the power of invisibility in a crisis; Herman Cain can deliver a hot pizza in 30 minutes or less; Chuck Norris can kick anyone’s ass. These Dream Teamers are united, armed and ready for action.
“Romney’s evil SuperPAC Man doesn’t have a Judeo-Christian prayer against my forces for good,” said Gingrich via conference call from his Fortress of Solitude. “I am a kryptonite nightmare for SuperPAC Man.”
Mitt Romney and SuperPAC Man countered with their own Dream Team of surrogates. The Romney Dream Team consists of Michael Jordan, Larry Bird, Magic Johnson, Charles Barkley and John Stockton, among others. His Dream Team has a proven record of success in the international arena, and should provide needed foreign policy gravitas to the campaign. The Romney Dream Team’s victory in Barcelona remains the gold standard for Dream Teams.
Campaign spokesperson, Joseph Smith, released a written statement about the Romney Dream Team’s super powers. “Jordan can fly, Bird can hit from anywhere, Barkley can rebound, and Magic Johnson has magic. Stockton – he played in Utah. We can compete with anyone, even Chuck Norris and his kung fu grip.”
Not to be overshadowed, this week the Gingrich campaign has announced a second "Dream Team", this one focused on faith. The 'Faith Leaders Dream Team' consists of "several fearless Christians" such as Don Wildmon, Tim and Beverly LaHaye, George Barna, JC Watts, Chuck Norris (yes, Chuck is on TWO Dream Teams), Mat Staver and others who will back Gingrich as he takes on Romney’s SuperPAC Man and SuperPAC Man’s newest companion of evil, the Obama administration.
Rick Santorum, not to be outdone by Gingrich and Romney, has announced his own superhero Dream Team of One. Jesus Christ will serve as the leader of Santorum’s Dream Team, arguing issues of public policy, faith, and economic growth. Christ will be providing rapid response services against SuperPAC Man whenever he unleashes his diabolical Propaganda Machine across the public airwaves.
“My days of turning the other cheek are over now that I have Jesus on my Dream Team,” bragged Santorum. “The guy walks on water in my book. Speaker Gingrich likes to claim that his campaign has risen from the dead several times. Well, my Dream Team of One knows a little something about that!”
Jesus’ super powers are well documented, and his addition to Team Santorum certainly has the potential to change dynamics of the race. Romney Dream Team captain, Michael Jordan, was less than impressed.
“I’ve seen Jesus out there. He can’t go to his left and he’s soft on defense. He’s only on the team because of His Dad.”
The Dream Team announcement race escalated again this afternoon when the Romney campaign introduced its newest Immigration Reform Dream Team, with Aquaman, Superman, Wonder Woman, Batman and Robin. He is in talks with The Flash and Green Lantern for their support as well.
“You want us on that wall. You need us on that wall,” thundered the Caped Crusader in a rousing defense of stricter border enforcement. “We use words like honor, code, loyalty...we use these words as the backbone to a life spent defending something. The Left uses 'em as a punchline. We have neither the time nor the inclination to explain ourselves to liberals who rise and sleep under the blanket of the very freedom we provide, then questions the manner in which we provide it! I'd rather they just said thank you and went on their way.”
Rick Santorum, trying to one-up the former governor, made a follow up announcement that Dave Mustaine, leader of the heavy metal band Megadeth, is ready to rock out for him. While not technically a superhero, he is pretty cool. (Editor’s Note: This is real, too. Go figure.)
Ron Paul, struggling for media coverage, countered this announcement with his introduction of the Super Models Fantasy Dream Team backing his insurgent candidacy. Cheryl Tiegs, Christie Brinkley, Carol Alt, Elle Macpherson, and Gisele Bundchen have all agreed to combine forces on Paul’s behalf. Ron Paul is betting that this Dream Team will raise his profile and erect stronger, longer lasting support for his candidacy.
“This Super Models Team is the breast that America has to offer, and I am proud and aroused intellectually to have them in my camp. I imagine that they will each perform well on the stump. Who wouldn’t want anyone of these Super Models on their stump, providing full-throated affirmation of your positive qualities during the heat of the moment?”
“My advisors felt that my messaging lack enough meat. My Dream Team will change that.”
While each GOP campaign is fighting each other with their various Dream Teams, none have lost sight of the evil SuperPAC Man and his super power ability to carpet bomb an entire regional with negative ads in a matter of hours. SuperPAC Man wears his Shield of Dollars that enables him to crush any enemy. Whoever has the Dream Team that can control SuperPAC Man and his evil powers will be able to use those same weapons against the King of All Evil, Barack Obama (aka The Community Disorganizer).
The band of GOP superheroes should beware. Obama’s superpower? Teflon.