Financial Degrees

My oldest is doing a college visit this weekend.  Within a year, the odds are good that she will have chosen a school, applied to that school and she will have been accepted to that school.  We can ignore the inevitable no longer.  After a grueling application process, some institution out there is going to be accepting my money real soon.  When it finally leaves home, I will give it a hug and shed some tears, but it is for the best, or so I will be told.  I fear that the money won’t ever come home to visit on the holidays.  I will have to learn to let go.

I attended an orientation for parents of children nearing the end of high school and considering college.  Of course, ‘considering college’ is a misnomer, since a child who does not attend college in America  is statistically bound to earn less and struggle more in life than a child who graduates college.  Yes, a child may choose to skip college, but that is a dangerous roll of the dice in the 21^st century.  College ‘choice’ is only an illusion.  It’s a necessity.

This orientation turned out to be our high school’s version of Scared Straight for first time parents.  They provided experts to walk us through the process, but the majority of the time, that meant walking us through the economic reality.  College costs a sh*tload of money and it doesn’t take long to multiply the one year price tag by 4 years, and by 3 kids.  Since I went to college, I could do that math in my head.  It's not business, Sonny - it's personal when it's your kid who is going to school. 

At the core of this financial extortion is the FSFSA.  As those with college age children are probably aware, this is the standard federal form that parents complete in order to apply for college financial aid.  According to the presenter, all the colleges use the information on this form to make decisions regarding grant eligibility and favored loan eligibility.  Beginning this year, you can have your IRS records populate directly into the form.  How convenient.

Based on this discussion of paying for college, I received quite an education.  If you were responsible, saved some money to send your kids to college, bought only what you could afford, and did not overextend yourself with a large mortgage, you are screwed when it comes to grant money and favorable loans.  If you were irresponsible, saved no money, bought a house that was above your means to pay, you are all set with grant money eligibility and excellent loan repayment options.  Makers, say hello to the Takers.

Lest you think that only the unwashed are winning the college financing game, the mega wealthy are also in line for grants.  They have tax shelters and other tricks at their disposal to reduce their income on the FSFSA and thereby qualify for grant money.  Apparently it’s the meaty part of the curve that’s taking it on the chin, or in other parts.  It’s the ultimate Catch-22: without college, my kids will be poor; with college, I’ll be poor.  Ramen noodles are no longer just for the college crowd but I need to lose a few pounds of flesh, and some college out there will be happy to help me out. 

There is an upside to my impending poverty.  A new study finds that parents who are footing more of the college tuition bill for their children give them a better chance of graduating.   That’s good.  But let no good deed go unpunished.  That same study finds that generous financial support appears to lead to lower grades for the little ones.  Lower grades are bad.

The study, published in the American Sociological Review, suggests students with some of their own "skin in the game" may work harder, and that students with parents picking up more of the tab are free to take on a more active social and extracurricular life. That may be fun and even worthwhile, but comes at a cost to GPA.

Given these facts, I expect my children to graduate from college, each blessed with a tireless work ethic, honors-worthy grades, and no friends.  Their skin will be in the game and that’s no game.  That’s just the way it will be.  It’s for their own good, I will tell them, and late in life they might actually believe that. 

So my loving children, start saving those birthday checks and $2 bills from your aunts.  There is a college in Virginia patiently waiting for my money to enroll, but my money will need a roommate - your money.

Is it too late for a sports scholarship?

Is this what I will be paying for?  If she comes home with Frank the Tank, I will withhold all financial support...

Still Crazy After All These Years

When you hit rock bottom, stop digging.

Two weeks ago at the Republican National Committee’s winter (of their discontent) meeting in Charlotte, full-time 2016 presidential contender and part-time governor of Louisiana Bobby Jindal, spoke truth to power.  In simple English, the national language of the Republican Party, he said these words that shocked the rational world:

“We must stop being the stupid party.”

These words shocked conservatives because they thought up until that meeting that they were the smart party and that the era of Big Socialism was over with Romney’s election.  These words shocked liberals because something a Republican politician said was grounded in facts and evidence.  These words shocked Donald Trump because he thought stupid was the goal.  

The party of Reagan and Lincoln has been in an intellectual race to the bottom, and has been so far ahead of the competition in this race, you could be forgiven for thinking their dismal public performance has been aided by drugs, and I don’t mean the helpful Lance Armstrong variety.  The GOP has ricocheted from discussion of rape to birth control to death panels to secession, and then reliably back to rape.  The consistency and predictability has been remarkable.     

Could the party be turning a corner back towards sanity?  Since Jindal’s speech, there have been signs of a grudging acceptance of his advice.  Against the party’s well-honed instincts, it has tried to purge dumb in favor of the electable, if not the smart.

After leaning towards doing more stupid and passing a redistricting plan in Virginia that would disenfranchised the will of the voters, the legislation that was pushed through by the State Senate died in the House and the GOP governor Bob McDonnell had indicated that he would not sign the legislation.

After diving head first into the deep end of stupid in Michigan by introducing a mandatory transvaginal ultrasound bill, the legislation was quickly withdrawn (no pun intended) after being exposed to the light of media coverage.

Fox News has dishonorably discharged 2 of its right wing spokesmodels, Sarah Palin and Dick Morris, for stupid conduct unbecoming.  This is not a sign of a new centrist philosophy at the entertainment network but it is an acknowledgment that you can’t be what Morris described as “wrong at the top of his lungs” repeatedly and hope to survive as a “news” outlet.

Karl Rove is using his SuperPAC Death Star to target what he considers to be extreme candidates in GOP primaries, igniting a public war between the crazy and the deeply disturbed.  I would say that this is a case of the pot calling the kettle black, but that could be construed by Fox News as a racist rant by a known liberal sympathizer.

Republicans agreed to raise the debt ceiling with little fanfare, just as it had been for every other administration in the history of the Republic, displaying a rare show of common sense in Washington.

The GOP is talking immigration reform in terms that the electorate generally supports, instead of focusing on electrified fences and self-deportation fantasies.

Now the disloyal opposition still has a ways to go.  They still believe that they are being punked by climate scientists with the illusion of rapidly melting ice caps. They are still obsessed with the politics of Benghazi-Truthers.  They continue to oscillate from calling the sequester “no big deal” and “necessary”, to calling it “the death of American power in a dangerous world” and “devastating to the economy”.  They still think they can fool around with the Violence Against Women Act renewal and win the politics of that argument.  They are increasingly enamored with the merits of nullification and insurrection.  

To paraphrase Paul Simon the singer-songwriter, not the former bow-tie wearing Senator, the GOP is still crazy after all these years.  But to quote another singer-songwriter, perhaps “the times they are a-changing”. 

 

The Republicans have had their crazy binge for a decade (at least) now.  I wish them good luck with the stupid purge because the left needs a smart competitor to counterbalance its passions.  

At least for some Republicans, the digging seems to have stopped.

Mail Fraud

The U.S. Postal Service announced today that it would cease all Saturday mail delivery.  Somewhere in the distance, a Newman cries out.  The organization has been drowning in red ink for years, and this move was widely anticipated.  Critics fear this development will lead to slow deliveries and long lines at Post Office branches across the country.  

No wait, we already have those conditions.  Critics really fear this development because they fear idle postal workers.  That sounds legitimate.  I prefer my post office workers to be busy. 

   

The reduction in service days begins in August.  We should thank our lucky stars that the 237 year old business is just now slowing down.  Most of us start thinking about a reduced schedule in our 60s and 70s.  At 237, the mail service of America could use some rest.  It’s been a good ride, but it is time to scale down the workload, old man.  

While ending Saturday deliveries is the headline news from the agency, there were several other cost cutting measures announced with less fanfare, each proposal deserves a passing mention:

To save travel time for the letter carriers, mail for all residents of a given street will have deliveries left in a pile in a central location on a curb for neighbors to “self-sort”.

Undocumented workers can speed the path to citizenship by volunteering to make a 2 year commitment to the Postal Service.  Wages from these unskilled postal employees will be garnished to repay accumulated immigration fines and back taxes.  The Postal Service describes this plan as a “win-win” for immigrants.

Mail carriers will no longer be allowed to work expensive overtime hours through wind, rain, sleet or dark of night.  Mail will only be delivered on sunny, clear days (a postal spokesperson did not explain how this new initiative would impact Seattle, home of only a few good weather days each year).

To control labor costs, a new recruiting campaign will be launched encourage high school drop outs to consider a rewarding, secure and low-wage career in the Postal Service.  The marketing will focus on the ways a Postal career can lift someone out of poverty over the long term.  The campaign is tentatively being called “Goin’ Postal – It’s the Only Way Out”.

To save uniform expenses, the list of acceptable postal uniforms will be expanded to include Boy Scout leader outfits or a worker’s favorite sports team jersey.  These new options will provide flexibility, affordability, and breathability.  It will also give the worker a chance to express themselves in the workplace, something that Gen Y entrants into the workforce demand.

To speed letter processing, stamps will be standardized to a single image so postal workers can stop being slowed by asking their co-workers in the sorting line, “Hey, does this look like a real stamp to you?”  The productivity gain is estimated at 87%.

The Postal Service also announced plans to reduce the volume of mail as part of their cost cutting proposals:

Beginning in December 2013, letters to Santa will result in a fine to the sender of $10 and the offending letter writer will be added to the National Naughty Registry, viewable online.

Mother’s Day will be removed from the list of nationally recognized holidays, thus reducing the month of May mail volume by 96%.

The Postal Service is recommending a Hallmark tax to reduce usage.  According to their press release, if every Hallmark card carries a $5 surcharge, private consumption of these cards can be discouraged by “government mandated market forces”.

Finally, the Post Office will finance the wiring of every home in America for free Internet access at no cost to the homeowner, thus completely eliminating the need for catalogs, promotional postcards, new credit card offers and photos from out of town family members.  Within 5 years of completion, the need for a post office will no longer exist, and this wiring plan is cheaper to the nation than subsidizing the current Post Office.

We grew up thinking the postman only rings twice.  Before we know it, he may stop ringing the bell completely.

Super Bowel Games

As we begin our 14^th and final day of Super Bowl preview programming, we are desperate for new angles to exploit/explore that will drive interest in those non-Baltimore and non-San Francisco TV markets.  Today I have found the issue that transcends the Big Game and ties the event back to the decay of Western Civilization.

It seems that performance enhancing drugs may have infiltrated one of the last safe havens in American sports – competitive eating, Super Bowl Sunday’s dark cousin.

On Friday, El Wingador, the five-time winner of the Wing Bowl, was indicted for possession and distribution of cocaine.  There is little doubt that marijuana served as El Wingador’s gateway drug, so his victories are now tainted by the stench of PED-induced munchies.  Move over, Lance.  Move over, A-Rod.  The back page of the N.Y. Post now belongs to El Wingador.   

The Wing Bowl is a chicken wing eating contest held annually in advance of the Super Bowl at the Wells Fargo Centre in Philadelphia, and in 2005, Bill Simmons, El Wingador’s street name, won the competition by inhaling 162 wings in one sitting.  It is obvious on its face that no one, outside the Governor of New Jersey, could eat that many wings without chemical assistance.  Just as Adrian Peterson could not have run for over 2,000 yards after knee surgery without ‘extra’ help, Simmons couldn’t down all those wings without extra help, and a sh*tload of Wet Naps.   

The Wing Bowl has become an annual tradition in Philadelphia, hosted by 94WIP radio and held on the Friday before the Super Bowl.  As we all know, competitive eating is the perfect pre-game celebration for Super Bowl Sunday, followed closely by competitive drinking and driving (post-game vomiting is considered a demonstration sport this year).  No doubt Bill Simmons could win those, too.  

While few of us could play a game of football before the Super Bowl, we could all participate in competitive eating before the game.  It is a sport that unites us.  But thanks to El Wingador, we’ll always question whether or not our neighbor is really enjoying our chili or just doped up and eating unconsciously.  Glassy eyes and a ring of hot sauce around someone’s lips at our party will no longer be viewed as a guest having a good time.  We will now assume he’s a cheater.  Our innocence is shattered – again.  

We cannot be shocked that drugs have tarnished the records in our pure eating sports.  Once antler spray became the PED of choice at this year’s Super Bowl, could anything surprise us?

Kids, just say no to doping before eating.  Let the El Wingador Story serve as a cautionary tale this holiday.  Enjoy the game and stay clean this Super Bowl Sunday.  Remember, your party host may ask for a urine sample before the night is through. 

Trust but verify.

Delaware Rising

This is it.  The day America has been waiting for.  This is the day when all of our New Year’s Resolutions are officially broken, forgotten and buried until next year.  Today is the day we start drinking too much again, eating all the wrong things again, and watching too much TV again.  There is no turning back.  It’s Super Bowl Sunday, the day when we celebrate someone else’s athletic achievements while simultaneously celebrating our own gluttony and slovenly behavior.  Don’t bogart those Doritos.

My personal super bowl (lower case, otherwise I owe Roger Goddell a nickel) will be filled with buffalo wing bites and bleu cheese dressing for dipping, and I’ll wash it down with some cold amber ales.  During half time, I’ll visit another super bowl but that’s probably too much information for this forum.  Suffice to say, I am a typical American on this day of days.  God have mercy on my colon. 

I will let the experience of Super Bowl Sunday wash over me in a private celebration down in my man cave.  I don’t like Super Bowl parties, and not because I don’t like people, which is what my kids think.  My problem is that I want to WATCH the Super Bowl and I want to WATCH the commercials that have been so carefully crafted for my viewing pleasure.  People distract me from the main event.  Super Bowl Sunday is a day not to get together but to remain apart.  Isn’t that what 2013 America is all about - rugged individualism?

I attended one Super Bowl and if you have the means I highly recommend it.  I was at Super Bowl XXXIV (can we switch to regular numbers yet?) courtesy of my connected brother and watched the Tennessee Titans fall 3 yards short of the tying touchdown that would have sent the game against the Rams into overtime.  I doubt I will ever see another one in person but that’s OK since the advent of high definition and affordable 50” screens.  Football is tailor-made for watching from home so I will honor the game by staying home today. 

The game itself should hopefully be the crown jewel on the Year of the Fightin’ Blue Hens.  Delaware grad Biden wins a 2^nd term as Vice President.  My senior class President Chris Christie is a likely front runner for the 2016 GOP nomination.  Today we might anoint former UD QB Joe Flacco as a Super Bowl champion and game MVP.  That’s 3 University of Delaware graduates at the top of their games.  I couldn’t be prouder of my school, except for Christie…and Christine O’Donnell.  Flacco’s success today could help erase the sting of that other Delaware alum’s trip to the big game, Rick Gannon.  

So it’s time for 8 hours of pre-game analysis of the life and times of Ray Lewis on Court TV.  If that gets too violent, I’ll switch to the Oprah channel for a retrospective of the Harbaugh boys growing up together in Bedford Falls and overcoming the loss of poor Harry Harbaugh when he broke through the ice at age 9.  No wait, that didn’t really happen.  Harry saved the lives of all those men on that transport.  When that nostalgia fills me up, I’ll switch over to some football.

Game prediction:  Ravens 27 Niners 22 – for entertainment purposes only, not for any actual wagering.  Stay thirsty, my friends.  It’s Super Bowl Sunday.

Top 10 On Screen Football Moments

I read a short list of greatest football moments from the movies and frankly, it stunk.  When I think great football on the screen, here's my pre-game clip list for your viewing pleasure:

Warning: Some scenes contain violence, hilarity, inappropriate behavior, and football references.

Number One:  Fast Times at Ridgemont High

Who could forget Jefferson's epic game performance against Lincoln, inspired by Spiccoli's ruse?

 Number Two:  Ace Ventura, Pet Detective

Jim Carrey shows us the essence of the professional game.

 Number Three:  Horse Feathers

Since inserting the entire movie would be difficult, here's the best football scenes from the Marx Brothers classic.

 Number Four:  Jerry Maguire

Rod Tidwell celebrates his moment.

 
Number Five:  Revenge of the Nerds

One of the most inspirational locker speeches of the 1980s, delivered by John Goodman.

Number Six:  The Longest Yard

Burt Reynolds at the peak of his skills shows us what football is all about.

Number Seven:  The Brady Bunch

Joe Namath elevates the football player to mythic status in this classic episode.  This might have been his audition tape for C.C. and Company.

Number Eight:  North Dallas Forty

This is how Ray Lewis learned to motivate his teammates.

Number Nine:  Any Given Sunday

Not funny, but the subject of many parodies over the years (and a regular clip on every Jumbotron in America).

Number Ten:  Rudy

It's got to be Rudy (cue the tears, gentlemen).

Let me know what I missed on Twitter @TheMSRP.  Enjoy the game.

Righting the Ship

The Republican National Committee had its post-election debriefing conference last month in Charlotte, NC, the site of the wildly successful 2012 Democratic National Convention.  I suspect that the RNC membership was hoping some of that Charlotte luck would rub off on them while simultaneously hoping that the hired help in Charlotte would not rub up against them.  Such is the tortured existence of the GOP faithful as they bemoan another 4 year of America’s funeral dirge towards socialism, atheism and unilateral disarmament-ism.   

As a lifelong Democratic sympathizer, I was not invited to the annual confab of the old, white, paranoid 1%ers.  I did, however, know someone who attended and he (of course it was a ‘he’ – GOP women were invited to a separate but equal conference elsewhere) was kind enough to share some of his hand-written notes that he scribbled during one of the round table discussions about the past election.  His paper was soaked with tears, but here’s what I could salvage:  

His note at the top of the page:  We lost again but it was not our fault.

Blame our technology.  Mitt had that super voter tracking Doppler 5000 HAL computer that his campaign never road tested before Election Day.  If we had better computers for exit poll tracking, we would have won.  Action Item:  Call Steve Jobs.

Blame our long primary process.  The process went too long and gave the general electorate too much of a window into our actual positions.  Action Item: Remove Michelle Bachman, Rick Perry and Herman Cain from the 2016 mailing list.

Blame our obsession with violent non-consensual sex acts.  We should mandate that all registered Republicans who run for office sign a pledge that they will never mention rape or transvaginal probing in a positive light again.  Action Item:  Call Grover Norquist for draft pledge language.

Blame our mascot.  Elephants are slow and gray, much like our party’s core demographic.  Maybe we need an animal that’s more aggressive, more independent - like a snake.  Action item: Check trademark status of Don’t Tread on Me flags.

Blame the Electoral College system.  It was suggested that we can rig the EC by splitting the apportionment of state votes.  This would be a positive for the party now that we have gerrymandered the states to our advantage.  Action item: Ask swing state legislators to reapportion their EC votes but only if we think we’re going to lose again in 2016.

Blame voter suppression efforts.  It was a good idea but poorly executed.  Those people showed up anyway.  Action item: Promote the Florida Long Line Model for the nation.

Blame poor Latino mobilization.  We need to improve our image with those people.  Action Item:  Book George Lopez to speak to empty chair at 2016 National Convention.

Blame the front loaded the primary calendar.  Front loading the calendar was a good idea, until some in the lame stream media decided that candidate debates needed to begin a full 18 months before the general election.  Action Item:  Call Roger Ailes.

Blame the candidate.  We tried picking a candidate who was not named Barack Obama.  No one understands why that wasn’t enough.  Action Item:  Schedule impeachment hearings.

Blame George Bush.  His liberal agenda and his Keynesian economic policies doomed our efforts from the start.  Action item: Recruit his brother Jeb to denounce him. 

His notes leave me thinking that the Republicans have missed the point of the 2012 election.  So I told him the sad truth.  I explained to him that he cannot blame the GOP electoral loss on the marketing strategy or the tone or the opposition’s negative ads.  I told him it wasn’t the 47% that stole his country away from him. 

I told him that the GOP lost because of his party’s position on the issues.  I told him that the GOP will not win with a coalition of primarily older white men and evangelicals.  I told him that his party could not win by demonizing government while trying to earn election as the head of government.  I told him that tacking back to the political center after the primaries can’t work if the ‘tack’ has to be 180 degrees.  I told him his party would have to change. 

He paused, thought for a moment, and then called me a Kool Aid drinking socialist.  I haven’t seen him since.  The rumor is that he has bought a gun and a sweater vest and is auditioning to replace Sarah Palin as a more cost-effective Fox News political consultant.   

I wish him luck...all bad.